A Truth
“I alone am responsible for the sweetness in my life.”– Louise Hay
I’m coming out of a self-imposed time-out. The truth is I didn’t know how to be this version of myself, real-time. I had started something I didn’t know how to be with, had no language for, and I keep getting my world rocked. That is what spending this one precious life outside of what is wanted can do. It leads to insecurity, instability, and general dislike of the self. From this place, much can be learned. I am going higher and higher. One only needs to exercise the courage to look beyond the glossy pics they are willing to post to collect the outside validation in seeking approval. I get it. I did it. And, for me, it’s an even bigger conversation than that. Let’s investigate…shall we?!
As a spiritual scientist, I am always looking at what is moving through me. I ask where it comes from, what it’s teaching me, what is being expanded. The truth is; I dream a lot, I have visions, and I know things before they happen. I am what is called a highly sensitive person. It is a real thing with a whole set of research behind it.
I belong to several communities that connect me to the divine. I believe in the mystics and their teachings. I have had my own mystical experiences and hold a place in humanity that bridges multiple worlds simultaneously. It has been a sugarless experience living in the poverty of being. I notice the more I lean in, the juicer and sweet it is.
A Dream
"I am convinced that courage is the most important of all the virtues. Because without courage, you cannot practice any other virtue consistently. You can be kind for a while; you can be generous for a while; you can be just for a while, or merciful for a while, even loving for a while. But it is only with courage that you can be persistently and insistently kind and generous and fair." ~Maya Angelou
This morning I woke up with the awareness of my name being called. Cissy! She is my little one.
Say my name. C. I. S. S. Y! Before what I made up about myself took a hold of my mind and heart I was Cissy. Sweet-natured, tenderhearted, and kind. Spelled with a C for courage. Courage takes guts to live, hold, and carry. It is a quality derived, fired, and born of the heart. I believe what Maya Angelou said to be true. These are all virtues I value and practice in my everyday life.
A Stand
“I can walk home on my own.” ~Cissy Age 5
Cissy is the name I declared at 5 after my mom hired a boy to walk me home from kindergarten. I did not like him. His energy wasn’t “right.“
Something in him was off. I could feel it. I sat down on the curb after he tried to put his hands on me. I told him "to tell my mother that if she wanted me, I would be right here waiting for her."
I wasn’t going anywhere with him! He was angry. I didn’t care. I knew I wasn’t safe in his charge. When my mom arrived in her hot rollers, remember...it's the 70s! She was not happy! I interrupted getting ready for work. She asked me "what’s going on TuTu? I said something like, "I don't like that kid and my name is not TuTu!" I went on, my name is Cissy.” I went on to tell her I would not walk home with him ever again. I told her I could walk home on my own. I knew how to do it. And, from then on, I did.
In retrospect, I understand now that I came in as an independent soul and thinker. The little one inside knew she could walk alone.
She watched, felt people, and read books for sport. She is in me. I still do these things. This is how I have been able to synthesis grace in my life. As I read, I would dream about all the tasty fruit I would get to eat traveling the world in the stacks of books my grandmother kept on the bookshelves. Or, dreaming of visiting the places Jack Cousteau went. I wanted to go! I wanted to dive down beneath the ocean for myself. I remember him as always looking so dreamy on TV when he emerged from the water glistening, climbing into the boat. I understand now he did when he loved. I live that way too, moving from love. That is the reason for this blog. It's a deep acknowledgment of the love I have for my inner child. As well as the work I am doing to accomplish what is calling me. Like this blog post! That little one still teaches me to reach for what calls my heart, play with new ideas, to see and feel into what is beyond. Seeing with an adult mind that all along it was a perception of identity and in turn an identity that led to the behavior of owning the insecurities of others. It is BIG undone stuff.
Word Play
NO, MORE. ~Me
It's my opinion that insecurities are woven into the patterns of the language we use every day to communicate. It is embedded and impregnated with more bias than you can shake a stick at (a favorite saying of my Grandmother Rita). She grew up in Texas and there’s a lot of snakes there! These puns and metaphors are on purpose and are meant to point to my sense of humor on all of it. What if in the rubbing of the other we are just rubbing an aspect of a part of ourselves we may or may not have acceptance of? Or, are able to cooperate with because it is unseen or hidden in an illusion? What of that?
Skin
”Language is a skin. I rub my language against the other.” ~Ronald Barthes
Today, I’d like to share an aspect of the journey through the insecurity of being Cissy through the lens of my skin. The part of me that got scared, disassociated from her little body, and went mute. Afraid that I wouldn’t be loved, have approval, or be validated if I did it differently. If I was different looking, I wasn't prepared, or if I was late. The part that lived in the shadow of what others said or did to reinforce the belief that my feelings were not important, that I was not important. The part of me that was misidentified, accommodated, or stayed mute because everyone I loved white or black had an opinion and I needed to have that opinion to be accepted, claimed, or valued. This truth had colored my entire life. And, up until now, it had no space to breathe., exhale. It had never been so difficult to manage, especially in the time of George Floyd losing his life so very publicly accompanied by a worldwide pandemic. George Floyd gave me and others like me freedom from the binary narrative of this or that. I separated, able to respond and be in this conversation as a free, embodied woman. The truth is, each of us is inherently valuable! I found that the illusion of insecurity perpetuates the games I have witnessed the majority of my life.
One of the gifts of living in the mute majority is seeing the whole playing field, all the players, and investigating for myself. I am outing myself here. I am this and that. Now what? It’s the inner awareness that has it be beyond the confines of the body I walk around in. Liberation is knowing I am more than that on all levels of consciousness. The ultimate freedom, it turns out comes from inside.
This is why the great Nelson Mandela came out of prison untouched by confinement. He was free inside. Communication with the inner self is like that. And, if there is no investigation into what or how we are communicating inside ourselves, we are lost in the cacophony of an unhealthy argument. We do more damage to an already tender subject of humanity at large, here.
Social Penetration
“Express Yourself.”~Madonna
Under the umbrella of Communication, there are several nuanced and complex theories suggesting there is more than one way of evaluating and proceeding in language and responsibility. And, did you know that there are four layers of identity? It’s true.
The challenge in this time is being seen and heard over the symphony of dominating cultures that persist like children having tantrums over who chewed the last piece of bubblegum. Be sure that it is sugarless. This is the essence of my sarcastic understanding of Muted Group Theory, (MGT) for short. If one doesn’t fall into being a black human or being a white human or identifying as a black person or white person, well, then… Judgments fly, you don’t matter or belong to either. Add being gay, transgender, or wanting a new pronoun that better serves how one identifies and isn't in the binary....now we have an even juicier conversation! Here is a news flash humans! The silent majority isn't anyone one of those colors! So, what's with all the upset and taking up all the airspace?
Enter Communication Theory of Identity, or in abbreviation, (CTI) adds an interesting twist to my investigation. This is where I deepened my knowledge in how people can form identity through attachments or assigning meaning…P.S. They may not be true!
In my journey, the learning has been tremendous. It is woven together with new language and understanding. Further inquire has led to more excavation and learning of the close association of another aspect of communication. One I really like is called Accommodation Theory and it has put a new perspective on my upbringing and how I forged a false awareness of myself. I have been accommodating people my whole life and being a disservice to my true authentic Self and the essence of her. The forgiveness work to clear what I have been projecting has been epic!. Being a clear channel requires it.
One might wonder why I’m bringing this forward at this time. The answer is simple. Identity. Not just the one that I embody, but the one that has me being called to a higher level of service in humanity by utilizing my voice, being in action, and speaking truth to what has been missed for the mute majority. This is owning life in all of its mute glory in this frequency of transmission.
Rub My Belly and Sing a Song
“Get in my belly.” ~Fat Bastard
Recently, I went back to school. It was a choice fueled by my insecurities in this world. I took it on after everything I was building fell apart in the pandemic. The gift of looking at a shadow straight in its face is that it then becomes a paper tiger or a baby. I am awake and can see with clear eyes all the misinterpretation and misunderstandings in the awareness the greater change requires greater understanding and the willingness to stretch into knowing more by being more. I intend to share, play and laugh my way through the tears of reverence for how far I’ve come.
The other day, I was asked two questions that were outside this context and matter here too. I confess they have me evaluating everything in my life as if in a review of what has already been, the results, and how I can serve by showing up for it now. The first question is, "What is it going to cost?" And the second is, "What's it going to take." Both are my responsibility to address. It will cost the part of me that is terrified to post this for fear of any backlash or challenge. What is it going to take, is doing it anyway. I know why I’m here. This is the whole adult version of mySelf sitting on the curb. Saying we get to be better, open to more, and more importantly take action, whatever that looks like. For me, it’s being willing to share my underbelly here as part of my purification process.
Me🍓
