I hold on to the past as a tool. I believe that there is a tremendous difference when one chooses to look back and reflect versus desire to live in it. It was in my willingness to explore, reflect and excavate all the pain of who I was that I found the woman I am today. This is my history and journey of love in all the context that I have known and experienced it. It is all of it. The good the bad and the ugly. I have chosen to give my experience with love a voice. To share it with the world—to be made visible and seen in its entirety because I spent so many years staying in silence, shunned by my shame.
This project is one that was created through the process of re-connecting with my own heart. It is the reconciliation of the past love that I could see. The kind of love that we know in our first love. This love is for me. The love that I sought outside of myself. The love that was always seeking outside validation and acceptance. I now know better. I used to base my understanding of love on the love I received from others. My first love never had a chance because I didn’t know how to love myself. I have spent most of my life not loving myself. And my lack of self-love radiated. Revealing itself in my relationships. Internally causing me to draw people and experience to me based simply on how I was feeling about myself.
Within these writings you will find everything that wasn’t said. The feelings that were never released and what is still true for me now. These are notes that I call love letter 4 him, but, they are for me. Pieces of me that were taken or given by what I was pretending not to know. This is my amends.