THE BLOW UP!
It was one of those beautiful fall days. The kind that only happen in my home state of Arizona. It is why people live here and why I always come home. It is my favorite season. The day rolled into a typical night for me. back then it went like this: pour a glass of wine, prepare dinner while the kids played around at my feet and I waited for my wasband to arrive home from work, then sit for dinner, give the boys a bubble bath, read bedtime books, down to bed, dishes and then I could have a few minutes to catch up with him on the day and time to myself. I hadn’t been sleeping well. That is sometimes common for me. I went right to sleep this night because I was so exhausted. Along with managing my boys, household responsibilities and myself, I had a massive project I was working on for a young family. I was spread thin and I kept myself like that on purpose. Only I didn’t know I was consciously avoiding. I had yet to develop that kind of language for the experience. That would come later. That night I fell into bed only I woke at just before 3am from the most gruesome dream. I have always had the gift of dreams for as long as I can remember. I dreamed I was strapped in car with my whole family. Everyone except Mardessa is stuffed into this car and we are driving very fast down the freeway…I mean we are flying! The lights are whizzing by so fast and all of the sudden, I can see that there is light coming into and flooding the car. The light won’t stop coming…it gets brighter and brighter…as I scream and we hit that huge wall of light! In a blink I am transported to the middle of the desert, there is wreckage surrounding me and I am covered in blood. It is serine like a Georgia O’Keffe painting only, there are body parts strewn about in different stages of decomposition. it is exposed bone, puddles and drops blood, organs hanging out of unrecognizable parts and pieces of all the people I know and love. My family of origin. It was premonition of what was coming and what is my now moment. Because of Love: I survive. I rise. I thrive.
I didn’t know that when my sister died, it would be both the most brutally painful experience, and the most beautiful expanding experience in being my authentic self. That day in February, the mask of who I had chosen to be shattered into a thousand tiny, jagged slivers. All of me was outed and exposed to the light for the first time. Imagine being blind and suddenly seeing sunlight the first time. That was me! I spent that time isolated, not trusting myself to be witnessed in my grief. My grief was two fold. My marriage had been in peril for years and my sister’s sudden departure from this realm magnified the years of living the inauthentic existence of being HIS wife. In my grief and ultimate heartbreak I found my essence....
As I write this now, I am embracing the uncertainty of new territory in pretty much every area of my life. All the triggers on worthiness are up and my business failing…this is the first time I have said it...I feel such sadness in the world I created in. My creativity is shifting under my feet and before my eyes. Packing my office is no joke. It feels like packing to leave my marital home. I can feel myself wanting to cling to the beast of what I have known in those space and fighting the expansion that is calling me forward…I can feel how comfortable it would be to stay in it, as opposed to what I am choosing in allowing surrender the blow up of what is next. I won’t lie…it feels violent and messy…I am unhinged and untethered in a new way. I know these feelings as I have had them before, only I didn’t talk about then as I was expierncing them. It’s not like before when I chose to isolate and separate. This is not that time. This is a time to share in a deeply profound way my undercurrent, experience and my journey of what was, what I learned and what is up to be explored now. This is the space I am navigating being present and feeling into my life. Have you ever been in the process of creating something really beautiful and not knowing what it really was yet but you knew somewhere in there that it was soul aligned action and all that it required was your trust to show up for yourself? This is that! That is what is happening now.